As always, great advice. Thanks! How did I not know about {gheS}!? And I got a little sloppy there at the end. I'll keep a better eye open for misordered suffixes, etc. QImSIr On Tuesday, January 10, 2017, SuStel <sustel@trimboli.name> wrote:
On 1/10/2017 5:16 PM, Brian Cote wrote:
ghaHvaD bIQDaq 'oHbe'bogh Qu' chuplu'chugh ghaH, ropmoH qechvam. Qun tlhuHDaj nISchoHlu'. 'ej pujchoHmoH porghDaj Hosghaj.
And when a job away from the water was offered to him he would get sick at the very prospect, his divine breathing would become troubled and his brazen chest began to tremble. Und bot man ihm eine Stellung außerhalb des Wassers an, wurde ihm schon von der Vorstellung übel, sein göttlicher Atem geriet in Unordnung, sein eherner Brustkorb schwankte.
I see you got rid of the erroneous final *ghaH* of the first sentence in your correction.
You dropped the *-'e'*on *Qu'. *Also, when using a pronoun-as-verb to talk about being in a place, Okrand has always used *-taH* on the pronoun: *ghaHvaD bIQDaq 'oHbe'taHbogh Qu''e' chuplu'chugh** if a job which is not at the water were is to him.*
We have so many words for anatomy, it's strange we don't have a word for *chest.* Consider *ro** trunk (of body). *I wonder if a *ro* can *Qom;* that might be better than just saying it weakens him.
beplaw' 'ach ghaH Harbej pagh: QeHDI' HoSghajqu'wI', yonmoHlu'meH, ghaHvaD Qapla'qoqmey qItHa' chavnISlaw'lu'. Qu'Daj choHbej poSayDon 'e' qel pagh. wa'DIchna' bIQmey Qun'a' mojmoHlu', 'ej vaj retlhtaHnIS.
Besides, his complaints were not really taken seriously; when one of the mighty is vexatious the appearance of an effort must be made to placate him, even when the case is most hopeless. In actuality a shift of posts was unthinkable for Poseidon — he had been appointed God of the Sea in the beginning, and that he had to remain. Übrigens nahm man seine Beschwerden nicht eigentlich ernst; wenn ein Mächtiger quält, muß man ihm auch in der aussichtslosesten Angelegenheit scheinbar nachzugeben versuchen; an eine wirkliche Enthebung Poseidons von seinem Amte dachte niemand, seit Urbeginn war er zum Gott der Meere bestimmt worden und dabei mußte es bleiben.
Why does he only apparently complain? I don't think you want *-law'* on the first sentence.
I don't really see *Qapla'qoqmey qItHa'* as approaching *the appearance of an effort.* This sentence seems to lose a lot of meaning. Try recasting it.
If you're using *-law'* to try to get across the "appearance" part, note that *-law'* tells of certainty of the speaker, not characters in the story.
I have some trouble believing *wa'DIchna'* is a good way to say *in the beginning.* How about *qa'vam* *Genesis, the Big Bang, the origin of everything, the start of it all*? Use it just as it is as a time stamp.
*mojmoHlu'* needs to be *lumojmoHlu'.* But consider using the word *gheS* *assume duties of* instead! Also consider using the perfective here.
You got your suffixes in the wrong order in the last word.
-- SuStelhttp://trimboli.name