As always, great advice. Thanks!<div><br></div><div>How did I not know about {gheS}!?</div><div><br></div><div>And I got a little sloppy there at the end. I&#39;ll keep a better eye open for misordered suffixes, etc.</div><div><br></div><div>QImSIr<br><br>On Tuesday, January 10, 2017, SuStel &lt;<a href="mailto:sustel@trimboli.name">sustel@trimboli.name</a>&gt; wrote:<br><blockquote class="gmail_quote" style="margin:0 0 0 .8ex;border-left:1px #ccc solid;padding-left:1ex">
  
    
  
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    <div>On 1/10/2017 5:16 PM, Brian Cote wrote:<br>
    </div>
    <blockquote type="cite">
      <div>ghaHvaD bIQDaq &#39;oHbe&#39;bogh Qu&#39; chuplu&#39;chugh ghaH,</div>
      <div>ropmoH qechvam. Qun tlhuHDaj nISchoHlu&#39;. &#39;ej pujchoHmoH </div>
      <div>porghDaj Hosghaj. </div>
      <div>&gt;And when a job away from the water was offered to him </div>
      <div>he would get sick at the very prospect, his divine breathing
      </div>
      <div>would become troubled and his brazen chest began to tremble.</div>
      <div>&gt;Und bot man ihm eine Stellung außerhalb des Wassers an, </div>
      <div>wurde ihm schon von der Vorstellung übel, sein göttlicher
        Atem </div>
      <div>geriet in Unordnung, sein eherner Brustkorb schwankte. <br>
      </div>
    </blockquote>
    <br>
    <p>I see you got rid<b> </b>of the erroneous final <b>ghaH</b> of
      the first sentence in your correction.<br>
    </p>
    <p>You dropped the <b>-&#39;e&#39;</b>on <b>Qu&#39;. </b>Also, when using a
      pronoun-as-verb to talk about being in a place, Okrand has always
      used <b>-taH</b> on the pronoun: <b>ghaHvaD bIQDaq &#39;oHbe&#39;taHbogh
        Qu&#39;&#39;e&#39; chuplu&#39;chugh</b><i> if a job which is not at the water
        were is to him.</i></p>
    <p>We have so many words for anatomy, it&#39;s strange we don&#39;t have a
      word for <i>chest.</i> Consider <b>ro</b><i> trunk (of body). </i>I
      wonder if a <b>ro</b> can <b>Qom;</b> that might be better than
      just saying it weakens him.<br>
    </p>
    <br>
    <blockquote type="cite">
      <div>beplaw&#39; &#39;ach ghaH Harbej pagh: QeHDI&#39; HoSghajqu&#39;wI&#39;, </div>
      <div>yonmoHlu&#39;meH, ghaHvaD Qapla&#39;qoqmey qItHa&#39; chavnISlaw&#39;lu&#39;. </div>
      <div>Qu&#39;Daj choHbej poSayDon &#39;e&#39; qel pagh. wa&#39;DIchna&#39; bIQmey
        Qun&#39;a&#39; </div>
      <div>mojmoHlu&#39;, &#39;ej vaj retlhtaHnIS. </div>
      <div>&gt;Besides, his complaints were not really taken seriously;
        when one </div>
      <div>of the mighty is vexatious the appearance of an effort must
        be made </div>
      <div>to placate him, even when the case is most hopeless. In
        actuality </div>
      <div>a shift of posts was unthinkable for Poseidon — he had been
        appointed </div>
      <div>God of the Sea in the beginning, and that he had to remain.</div>
      <div>&gt;Übrigens nahm man seine Beschwerden nicht eigentlich
        ernst; </div>
      <div>wenn ein Mächtiger quält, muß man ihm auch in der
        aussichtslosesten</div>
      <div> Angelegenheit scheinbar nachzugeben versuchen; an eine
        wirkliche </div>
      <div>Enthebung Poseidons von seinem Amte dachte niemand, seit
        Urbeginn </div>
      <div>war er zum Gott der Meere bestimmt worden und dabei mußte es
        bleiben.</div>
    </blockquote>
    <br>
    <p>Why does he only apparently complain? I don&#39;t think you want <b>-law&#39;</b>
      on the first sentence.</p>
    <p>I don&#39;t really see <b>Qapla&#39;qoqmey qItHa&#39;</b> as approaching <i>the
        appearance of an effort.</i> This sentence seems to lose a lot
      of meaning. Try recasting it.</p>
    <p>If you&#39;re using <b>-law&#39;</b> to try to get across the
      &quot;appearance&quot; part, note that <b>-law&#39;</b> tells of certainty of
      the speaker, not characters in the story.<br>
    </p>
    <p>I have some trouble believing <b>wa&#39;DIchna&#39;</b> is a good way to
      say <i>in the beginning.</i> How about <b>qa&#39;vam</b> <i>Genesis,
        the Big Bang, the origin of everything, the start of it all</i>?
      Use it just as it is as a time stamp.<br>
    </p>
    <p><b>mojmoHlu&#39;</b> needs to be <b>lumojmoHlu&#39;.</b> But consider
      using the word <b>gheS</b> <i>assume duties of</i> instead! Also
      consider using the perfective here.<br>
    </p>
    <p>You got your suffixes in the wrong order in the last word.</p>
    <pre cols="72">-- 
SuStel
<a href="http://trimboli.name" target="_blank">http://trimboli.name</a></pre>
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