Comments on vocabulary and grammar only: On Sun, Jun 10, 2018 at 6:32 PM, Daniel Dadap <daniel@dadap.net> wrote:
HovHom, HovHom, yIbochchu'!
{boch} has always struck me as referring to the reflective kind of shininess. I would say {wew} "glow" instead, unless you'd be happy with another repetition of {wov} "be light, bright". Verbs of quality like {boch} and {wov} are usually not used in imperatives without the suffixes {-'egh} and {-moH}. In the interest of meter, I don't mind them being left off, but you're basically invoking poetic license in order to do it.
nuq Dayugh 'e' vISIvqu'.
"What you are" is not a question, so {nuq} is not appropriate. Find a way to use {-bogh} instead. For example: {Hap Dayughbogh vISIvqu'} "I very much wonder about the matter you consist of."
vaj ram Hoch bIwov net Sov.
{ram Hoch} is a period of time, but that's not how you used it. For "all night" you really ought to say {qaStaHvIS ram}. To make it fit the rhythm, perhaps {ram DawovmoHtaH net Sov}.
taw HurghDaq lengwI' Dutlho',
{lengwI'} is the subject and needs to come last. This verse is going to need to be rearranged to make everything work together.
chal SuD 'ej HurghDaq SoHtaH,
You can say {SuD chal 'ej Hurgh}, but you can't use two adjectival verbs like that. You'd need to say {SuDbogh chal 'ej Hurghbogh}, or give one of the verbs a different primacy with {SuDbogh chal Hurgh} or {Hurghbogh chal SuD}.
ram bIwov 'e' not Damev,
There's a good argument for preferring the order {not 'e'} instead. (The canon counterexample has other problems that make it less compelling than it could be.) Your ability to hit the triple targets of meaning, rhyme, and meter is impressive. I almost regret breaking such good work by pointing out problems elsewhere. -- ghunchu'wI'