{boch} has always struck me as referring to the reflective kind of shininess. I would say {wew} "glow" instead, unless you'd be happy with another repetition of {wov} "be light, bright".

Verbs of quality like {boch} and {wov} are usually not used in imperatives without the suffixes {-'egh} and {-moH}. In the interest of meter, I don't mind them being left off, but you're basically invoking poetic license in order to do it.

 

"What you are" is not a question, so {nuq} is not appropriate. Find a way to use {-bogh} instead. For example: {Hap Dayughbogh vISIvqu'} "I very much wonder about the matter you consist of."

 

{ram Hoch} is a period of time, but that's not how you used it. For "all night" you really ought to say {qaStaHvIS ram}. To make it fit the rhythm, perhaps {ram DawovmoHtaH net Sov}.

 

{lengwI'} is the subject and needs to come last. This verse is going to need to be rearranged to make everything work together.

 

You can say {SuD chal 'ej Hurgh}, but you can't use two adjectival verbs like that. You'd need to say {SuDbogh chal 'ej Hurghbogh}, or give one of the verbs a different primacy with {SuDbogh chal Hurgh} or {Hurghbogh chal SuD}.

 

There's a good argument for preferring the order {not 'e'} instead. (The canon counterexample has other problems that make it less compelling than it could be.)

 

Your ability to hit the triple targets of meaning, rhyme, and meter is impressive. I almost regret breaking such good work by pointing out problems elsewhere.

-- ghunchu'wI'