[tlhIngan Hol] vengDaq, vengmeyDaq je

This is a sentence I came up with: vengDaq, vengmeyDaq je qaSchoHtaH Daw'mey. This is the sentence I'm trying to translate: "So revolutions broke out in city after city [...]" I think my translation works. I'm willing to sacrifice some literal accuracy for poetic effect, and I think this strikes the right balance. (I'm even bold enough to say it has an Okrandian feel to it.) My question is whether anyone else could make sense of my phrasing before I said what it meant. Thanks, bI'reng