SuStel:
However, I agree with ghunchu'wI' that you're overdoing it. You're not just using the occasional second-person reference in a way that would let the reader personalize it to themselves. You're strongly calling out SoH as the main viewpoint of the piece, telling them what they're doing and thinking.
Unfortunately, I'll have to disagree on this one. This is a matter of personal preference, and a matter of how someone chooses to process what he reads, and how he chooses to relate to the words his eyes are actually reading. The original post, was inspired from a scene from the third season of Narcos. That scene, used the second person impersonal "you", and in my opinion, writing something inspired from that scene in klingon, sounds better using second person, than using {vay'} or {-lu'}. It's upon the person writing, to make the choices he sees fit, to adequately express the intended meaning. Now, I'm not directing this to you, don't misunderstand me, but if someone can't understand, what actually concerns him, and what doesn't, then perhaps it would be preferable to just press "delete". ~ mayqel qunen'oS