On Thu, Jun 1, 2017 at 4:30 PM, Juliana Bukoski <jfbukoski@gmail.com> wrote:
...I was hoping someone could look at this and let me know if there are any errors:
I see some wording that I would change for clarity and/or style, but only a couple of outright errors. I'll mark my corrections with *** asterisks.
tlhIngan Hol vIHaD. cha' ngoQ vIghaj. wa'DIch: Hol patlh ghojwI' vIchav vIneH.
I'd say {ghojwI' Hol patlh}. It is probably fine in the order you did it, but I think it sounds better the other way around.
patlhvam chavlu'meH, qep'a'Daq qaD tu'lu'.
Since {qaD} is also a verb, I would make it more concise: {qep'a'Daq qaDlu'.} Your wording is perfectly understandable, but I usually try not to rely too much on {tu'lu'}.
'op mu'tlhegh mughnISlu'. qaDvamvaD jIqeqmeH,
[Note that you used {qeq} in an intransitive sense here. The subject is what gets the benefit of the training. I'll come back to that later.]
'echletHomDaq mu'tay' vISovnISbogh jIghItlhpu'.
The suffix {-ta'} is probably more appropriate than {-pu'}. Presumably you set out to write the vocabulary, and you accomplished it.
jIyIttaHvIS vIHaD. pab vIHaDmeH, mu'ghom tlhIngan vIlaDqa' 'ej paq latlh, "From the Grammarian's Desk", vIlaDchoHpu'.
*** You have some noun-noun phrases backwards. "Klingon dictionary" is {tlhIngan mu'ghom}, and "another book" is {latlh paq}. (You probably can't get away with just saying {latlh} "additional one" there, since you didn't explicitly refer to TKD as a book.)
tlhIngan Hol jIQoyDI', vIyajlaH vIneH.
*** The first verb needs to have a prefix matching the third-person object: {vIQoyDI'}.
ngoQ cha'DIch 'oH.
I would have expected {ngoQwIj}, and indeed your English version says "my...goal." I'll not call it an error, but you probably should add the possessive suffix.
ngoQvam Qatlh law' ngoQwIj wa'DIch Qatlh puS. wa' ben, mu' law' vISov, 'ach jIHvaD jatlhchugh vay', vIyajlaHbe'.
majQa'. pupchu' Hoch.
vaj, teSDu'wIj vIqeqnIS.
*** Remember when I asked you to note how you used {qeq} before? You're using it differently here, with the object receiving the benefit of the training. I believe your first sentence has the right meaning, and you need to find either a different word or a different grammatical structure for this one. It could be as easy as adding the suffix {-moH}: vaj teSDu'wIj vIqeqnISmoH Or you could turn it around: vaj qeqnIS teSDu'wIj Neither of these sounds perfect to me, though.
qon puS vIghaj. qonDaq, tlhIngan Hol jatlh po'wI'pu'.
*** {qon} "record" is a verb. You can substitute the noun {ta}, and I suggest calling it a {ghogh ta} "voice record" or {wab ta} "sound record" in the first mention. *** The final verb needs the proper prefix: {lujatlh}.
vI'Ij 'ej mu'mey jatlhbogh vIghItlh 'e' vInID. bom tlhIngan vI'Ij je.
*** {tlhIngan bom} for "Klingon songs" jupwI', DaH peja'. ngoQraj bochav'a'? tlhIngan vIttlheghvam yIqaw:
bIQapqu'meH, tar DaSop 'e' DatIvnIS.
majQa'! It's simple, straightforward, and close enough that I understood what you intended before I looked at the English. -- ghunchu'wI'