Thanks for your input everyone. Below a few comments I've pasted a new version incorporating most of your advice. I don't think I missed anything!
re: yIr instead of Sop:This is weird in the book. Who eats Easter eggs, first of all? Even so, the image on the page shows a child eating either a live yellow bird or (more likely) candy like a "Peep" (which is bird-shaped), not one of the eggs. Thus I chose yIr because I thought it fit better, and one of the reasons I want to use books like these is because of the visual cues they give -- but this particular cue is misleading. Call it "An Interpretation of Five Little Bunnies by Dan Yaccarino."
And,re: ghunchu'wI':
"Are {ngIq QIm nguv} and {Hoch QIm nuv} singular? The prefix {lu-} would be called for if so."I can't quite tell if the object is singular or plural in these instances. (It is like a conversation SuStel and I were having on Facebook re: Hoch and how it works in a noun-noun phrase.) What do you all think I should go with?Far Away:I added {HopchoH} at the very end. I kind of like it. How otherwise could I get across the idea of them exiting the scene?1. Five little bunnies went hippity hop.
qettaH vagh Qa'Hom. mI'. Sup.
2. The first bunny said, "We're here! Let's stop!
{mapawta’! mamevjaj!} jatlh Qa'Hom wa'DIch.
3. Let's hide Easter eggs. We all know how. We need to hurry. Let's start right now!"
{QImmey nguv wISo'jaj. mIw wISovchu’ maH! wImoDnIS. DaH maruchjaj!}
4. The second bunny said, "We can hide a lot. I'll hide some in this flower pot."
{QIm law' DISo'laH. chorvamDaq 'op vISo' jIH.} jatlh Qa'Hom cha'DIch.
5. The third bunny said, "The kids will find striped ones, spotted ones--every kind."
{wov 'op 'ej Hurgh 'op. Segh law' SamlaH puqpu'.} jatlh Qa'Hom wejDIch.
6. The fourth bunny said, "Now the fun can start."
{DaH taghlaH lop.} jatlh Qa'Hom loSDIch.
7. The fifth bunny said, "I love this part!"
{Qujvam vImaSqu'!} jatlh Qa'Hom vaghDIch.
8. The kids found the Easter eggs one by one. The little bunnies said, "Our job is done!"
ngIq QIm nguv luSamta’ puqpu'. {pItlh! rIn Qu'maj,} jatlh Hoch Qa'Hom.
9. The kids ate the eggs and played all day.
QImmey yIr puqpu'. pem Hoch reHqu'.
pem Hoch QImmey yIrtaH puqpu’ ‘ej reHtaH.
10. Then the five little bunnies hippity hopped away!
ghIq qetqa' vagh Qa'Hom. mI'qa'! Supqa'! HopchoH!
On Wed, Jul 6, 2016 at 2:02 PM, Michael Roney, Jr. <nahqun@gmail.com> wrote:lutvam vIlaD.
lut Qoy puqloDwI'.
tIvqu'!
mIllogh chenmoH neH.
paq chenmoH neH je.
~naHQun
--
~Michael Roney, Jr.
Freelance Translator
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