roD bIQ yu'eghDaq lIgh, DuQwI' jeqbogh che'wI' nuH'e' 'ochtaHvIS, 

'e' luHar ghot law'. 'ej vaj ghaH QeHqu'moH qechna'vam 'ej bI'reS 

Qu'DajvaD ghaH parqu'moH.

>What irritated him most — and it was this that was chiefly responsible 

for his dissatisfaction with his job — was to hear of the conceptions 

formed about him: how he was always riding about through the tides 

with his trident.

I'm still having trouble following this; I think you're sticking too closely to the literal text and not thinking in Klingon about what it means.

Many people believed he rode regularly on the water-waves, while holding [I think you meant 'uch, not 'och] the ruler's weapon which protrudes from spikes. And thus this definite idea made him very angry and it made the beginning of his job presentation very much dislike.

I'm pretty sure you got a couple of subjects and objects mixed up there.

Try taking this paragraph apart in English (or German) into the simplest sentences you can, and list them in bullet-points. Use these points to create your Klingon sentences.

yuQ bIQ'a'Daq ba'taHvIS, SImtaH. 'e' 'oH ghu' teH'e'. rut yupItIr 

SuchmeH, leng poSayDon. 'e' 'oH DaltaHbe'ghachDaj neH'e'. 

motlh cheghtaHvIS, QeH. 

>When all the while he sat here in the depths of the world-ocean, 

doing figures uninterruptedly, with now and then a trip to Jupiter 

as the only break in the monotony — a trip, moreover, from which 

he usually returned in a rage. 

DaltaHbe'ghach break in the monotony... very nice!

I'm not going to say that 'e' 'oH something'e' is necessarily wrong, but it feels wrong to me. You could replace the first one, for instance, with ghu' teH 'oH ghu'vam'e' this situation is the true situation. But really you could probably reduce this to using -bej in the sentence.

This paragraph is a little less convoluted than the first, but it could still use some working over.

-- 
SuStel
http://trimboli.name