On 8/9/2017 5:57 AM, Jeremy Silver wrote:

{mubechmoH ghaH'e'. mubechmoH 'ej vIghaj.
ghaH vIjeghpa' *Nibia* maSmey retlhDaq, *Antares* vertaHbogh vIHtaHghach'a' 
retlhDaq, ghe''or qulmey retlhDaq je vItlha'!}

mubechmoH ghaH'e'.

Khan's line is He tasks me. I've always assumed this refers to Kirk exiling Khan to Ceti Alpha V. muvummoH. I see no reason for the ghaH'e' here; it doesn't reflect the English original.

mubechmoH 'ej vIghaj.

There is no indication in this what you mean by vIghaj. It just means I had/have/will have him/her/it. I also don't know if the English idiomatic meaning of get in my power comes through, or the therefore sense of English and. I'd recast this whole thing as muvummoH; vaj vIghatlh.

You put the ghaH vIjeghpa' at the beginning of the long sentence, but Khan put it at the end in his English. You should do the same to reflect his emphasis. Subordinate clauses can go on either side of the sentence.

I don't think jegh means the let go sense of English surrender; it means stop trying. You could just say jIjeghpa' before I give up, or you could be more literal and say nargh 'e' vIchaw'pa' before I let him escape.

Nibia maSmey retlhDaq

Hey, I asked for around from Okrand and everybody said "But what does that mean?" This is what it means. wejpuH.

I'd probably do this as Nibia maSmey HayDaq to the area beyond Nibia's moons.

Antares vertaHbogh vIHtaHghach'a'

I'm not fond of this; it looks like a very forced -ghach. How about just saying Antares mI'rab'a'?

The end result:

muvummoH. muvummoH; vaj vIghatlh. Nibia maSmey HayDaq, Antares mI'rab'a' HayDaq, ghe''or qul HayDaq je vItlha' jIjeghpa'.

-- 
SuStel
http://trimboli.name

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