roD bIQ'a' yu'eghDaq lIgh poSayDon, che'wI' nuH'e' jeqbogh wej DuQwI' 

'uchtaHvIS 'e' luHar ghot law'. ghu'vam tu'DI' poSayDon -- 'ej Qu'Daj'e' 

yonHa'choHghachDaj meq wa'DIch 'oH je ghu'vam'e' -- ghaH yIvqu'choHlu'.

What irritated him most — and it was this that was chiefly responsible

for his dissatisfaction with his job — was to hear of the conceptions

formed about him: how he was always riding about through the tides

with his trident.

Qu'Daj'e' yonHa'choHghachDaj meq wa'DIch 'oH je ghu'vam'e'

There are two potential errors here. First, you've got what appears to be a type 5 noun suffix followed by another noun in a noun-noun construction. TKD rules against doing this. Second, you seem to have an -'e' on both sides of the pronoun.

I'm not sure what effect you were going for by including -'e' on Qu'Daj, but your sentence would seem to work just as well without it: Qu'Daj yonHa'choHghachDaj meq wa'DIch the first reason of the beginning satisfaction of his job.

The whole aside seems confusing to me. I have to think hard to bring the Klingon to the English. I don't think wa'DIch necessarily implies chief. I'd choose completely different wording: 'ej Qu' yonHa'ghachDaj'e' meqvam ngoy' law' Hoch ngoy' puS.

yIv annoy is slang. Do you want to use slang here, or the non-slang nuQ? The English does not use slang here.

yuQ-bIQ'a' bIS'ubDaq ba'bejtaHvIS poSayDon, SImtaH. DaltaHghachDaj 

qaghmeH, DuH wa' neH ghaj ghaH: pIjHa' yupItIr Such, 'ach motlh 

lengvamvo' cheghDI', QeHqu'taH poSayDon.

>When all the while he sat here in the depths of the world-ocean,

doing figures uninterruptedly, with now and then a trip to Jupiter

as the only break in the monotony — a trip, moreover, from which

he usually returned in a rage.

ba'bejtaHvIS is not incorrect, but I'm uncertain why you chose to qualify this word.

DuH wa' neH should be wa' DuH neH.

QeHqu'taH is also not wrong, but I'm not sure it's exactly right to include the -taH. When Poseidon returns from Jupiter, is he in a continuous rage? Or are you just reporting his status at the time he returns, in which case you can just say QeHqu'?

'ej vaj pIjHa' bIQ'a' legh poSayDon. nom 'olumpoS HuDDaq SaltaHvIS 

neH ghaH, bIQ'a' leghlaH, 'ej not bIQ'a' qoDDaq lengchu'be'. jatlhtaH 

poSayDon, van qo' 'e' loStaH ghaH. ngugh ghaytan qaS poHHom tam, 

mI'meyDaj Qav SImqa'meH, 'ej ghIq vanbejpa' qo', nomqu' Hoch 

SuchlaHmeH ghaH.

Thus he had hardly seen the sea — had seen it but fleetingly in 

the course of hurried ascents to Olympus, and he had never actually

 traveled around it. He was in the habit of saying that what he was 

waiting for was the fall of the world; then, probably, a quiet moment 

would be granted in which, just before the end and having checked 

the last row of figures, he would be able to make a quick little tour.

There is a subtle difference between using legh and leghpu' in the first line. pIjHa' bIQ'a' legh poSayDon means Poseidon rarely sees the sea: it's a general condition that Poseidon doesn't get out much to see the sea. pIjHa' bIQ'a' leghpu' poSayDon Poseidon has rarely seen the sea: up to this point, Poseidon hasn't seen much of the sea. The former is a statement of condition; the latter is a history. Either can be used here, though the version with -pu' is closer to the English. The same goes for the rest of this paragraph: are you trying to speak of things that are true without actually referencing things he has actually done or not done, or are you trying to show that those things have or haven't happened?

nom 'olumpoS HuDDaq SaltaHvIS neH ghaH while he is merely ascending on Mount Olympus quickly. I don't understand this clause, and I think the problem is with that neH. I don't understand what it's supposed to be doing here.

You can dispense with the -Daq here: nom 'olumpoS HuD SaltaHvIS while he is ascending Mount Olympus.

'ej not bIQ'a' qoDDaq lengchu'be' and he never imperfectly travels on the ocean's interior. This sentence seems pretty mixed up. Maybe change it to something like 'ej not bIQ'a' veH HochDaq lengchu'pu' and he has never completely traveled on all of the ocean's boundary.

van qo' 'e' loStaH ghaH. It is illegal to use a type 7 suffix on the second verb of a sentence-as-object construction. Okrand breaks this rule a lot, but it's still a rule.

jatlhtaH poSayDon, van qo' 'e' loStaH ghaH. There are a number of errors here. When van end (an event, voyage, battle, play, etc.) is used, the subject causes the object to end. You can say this as qo' vanlu' the world is ended.

It is illegal to use a type 7 suffix on the second verb of a sentence-as-object construction. Okrand does it a lot, but it's still a rule. qo' vanlu' 'e' loS he waits for the world to be ended.

When using a verb of speech as described in the sentence-as-object section of TKD, the speech itself is reported in the first person. jatlh poSayDon, qo' vanlu' 'e' vIloS Poseidon says he's waiting for the world to be ended; Poseidon says, "I wait for the world to be ended."

Notice I didn't use the -taH there: Poseidon isn't continuously saying this; he has a habit of saying it. Without the -taH, it is a thing Poseidon might say, not a thing he is continuously saying. If you want the idea of this habit being regular, use roD: roD jatlh poSayDon, qo' vanlu' 'e' vIloS.

ngugh ghaytan qaS poHHom tam, mI'meyDaj Qav SImqa'meH. Purpose clauses must be before the phrases they modify, unlike other dependent clauses. In any case, Poseidon isn't getting a momentary silence IN ORDER TO check his figures, so the purpose clause isn't really appropriate anyway.

This advice on purpose clauses, and the earlier advice on the grammar of van, also applies to the last sentence of this paragraph.

poSayDon DalchoHmoH bIQ'a'. ghaHvo' pum che'wI' nuHDaj. 

bIQ HeHDaq ba'taHvIS ghaH, jot. 'emDajDaq bIH qoj. nachDaj DungDaq 

puv bo'Degh'e' mISmoH Qun HoSDaj. gho rur HeDaj. 

Poseidon became bored with the sea. He let fall his trident. Silently 

he sat on the rocky coast and a gull, dazed by his presence, described 

wavering circles around his head.

poSayDon DalchoHmoH bIQ'a'. Dal means be boring, not be bored. Try something like poSayDon SeyHa'choHmoH bIQ'a' the sea begins to cause Poseidon to be unexcited.

I'm not sure jot is the right verb here. tam seems to be better.

'emDajDaq bIH qoj. Two errors here. First, you forgot the final -'e' needed for a to-be sentence. Second, The proper way to say behind him is ghaH 'emDaq, not 'emDajDaq. We learn this in Klingon for the Galactic Traveler: the way you said it marks you as a speaker of the Sakrej dialect.

I'm not sure there being a cliff behind him equals sitting on a rocky coast.

Furthermore, every time Okrand uses a locative on a to-be sentence, he also uses -taH. It may be most correct to say ghaH 'emDaq bIHtaH qoj'e' cliffs are behind him. Alternatively you could say ghaH 'emDaq qoj lutu'lu' or possibly ghaH 'emDaq qoj tu'lu' (because it's still unclear whether tu'lu' is a special construction that can ignore the verb prefix, which Okrand has sometimes used).

nachDaj DungDaq puv bo'Degh'e' mISmoH Qun HoSDaj. gho rur HeDaj. I think you forgot a -bogh and were trying to do two things at once.

The English says the gull flies around his head, not over his head. Let's assume that bav orbit is not the right verb for this; your rur solution is a good one. You could also have said gho ghoS bo'Degh the bird travels in a circle.

This time you really need a -taH on puv, because this IS a continuous event, not just the report of the habit of the bird or a general truth that this bird tends to fly around his head.

If I were given a chance to ask Maltz for a word, I think the word I'd ask for would be around. It would, ideally, be one of those locative words like 'em and Dung.

bIQ'a' HeH gheghDaq ba'taH poSayDon 'ej tamtaH. pa' SaHmo' poSayDon mIStaH bo'Degh 'ej gho ngaDHa' ghoStaH puvtaHvIS.

-- 
SuStel
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