My attempts to track down the tune have been thwarted by an apparent ban on the melody at all leSpal ngevmeH malja’ qachmey.

ONLY my having watched Wayne's World many years ago has let me understand what you're trying to do here.

Anyway, for what it’s worth, here’s what I found:

‘ej muSIvmoHbejtaH

qol’om ‘oH gho-onbo-ogh Hoch’e’ ‘e’ Harchu’ ja-aw 

ghaHbogh be’’e’ ‘ej QI’tu’ letlh je-e’taH.

Hm. Melisma AND enjambment in an effort to get the meter to work. I think when you see this, you need to compromise on either meter or meaning to get an aesthetically pleasing song translation.

pawDI’ jaw’vam ngaQchu-u’-chugh ma-alja’ qa-ach,

I think you meant jawvam.

ngoQDaj’a’ SuqlaHbe-ej ‘e’ So-ovbej.

I think you meant ngoQ'a'Daj. Does it really deserve to be a ngoQ'a'? I'd translate that as something like ultimate objective. I guess you're filling in extra syllables.

‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’, ‘u’, ‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’

Unless you're trying to invoke the word meaning universe, maybe translate your oo's with 'u.

‘ej QI’tu’ ghoSbogh le-etlh je’law’taH.

Only -law'? You're filling syllables again.

reDDaq vepHey tu-u’lu’, ‘ach vo-oqchu’ ne-eH

-Hey appears to be another syllable-filler. I won't mention these anymore. Did you mean woq instead of voq?

rut cha’ qech chuplaHmo-o’ wa’ mu-u’.

bIQtIqHom retlhDaq SorDaq bomtaH qa-anra-aD.

rut Hoch buSHachmaj no-obHa’lu-u’. [This last verb was apparently mistranslated into English.]

bISov.

tIng ’ev vIghantaHDI-I’ jItIwchoH net ghu-ur

I believe the subject of ghur is the thing that increases; you can't say net ghur. Also, I don't get the impression that the singer is taking a quick glance into the west, but it looking long at it. ghan may not be the right verb here.

‘ej jItlheD neHmo’ qa’wIj nongchoHbej.

I get the impression of -taH more than -choH from the original.

Sormey Hay tlhIch rutlhme-ey vIlegh ‘e’ vI-Ija-al

I might have said tlhIch ghomey, but it's your metaphor.

bejbogh nu-uvpu’ QI-Ichmey je-e.

qajal.

tlhuplu’. <<tugh bom wIwIvchugh mameqmeH nu-uDe-ev 

Dov’agh. taHwI’pu’vaD choH jaj chu-u’

Why choH instead of tagh?

‘ej Haghqu’ta-aHmo-o’ nuvlaw’pu-u-u’ la-aw’

Is that first law' supposed to be there?

nge-em’a’ Hoch lute-ebchu’ ya-a’rIS>>

Haghlu’ghach Daqaw’a’?

Ew. No. Haghlu' 'e' Daqaw'a'? I know why you did it, but I don't care. Klingon poets do it for poetic reasons; you're doing it just to do it.

toH, HIja’, HISlaH, lu’.

Clever. Poetically kind of ridiculous, but still clever.

‘ej muSIvmoHbejtaH.

tIlIjDaq chuSlu’chugh, yIjot. yIghumbe’lu-u’.

You might use lav instead of tI. And we've discussed ghum elsewhere.

maqtagh ta’vaD Say’moHlu’ neH.

cha’vo’ wa’ He DawIvnISbej ‘e’ So-ov Ho-och.

HelIj DachoHmeH ratlh poH yap.

I see you're beginning to compromise on exact translation to avoid translating idioms.

tlhon’a’meyvo’ Huyqu’lu’ta-aH ‘ej mevlu’Qo-o’.

You know the example in TKD isn't meant to suggest that Klingon poets are obsessed with nostrils, right?

<<HImuv!>> jatlh Dov’agh chu’wI’’a’.

jaw’oy, SuSbogh SuS DaQoylaH’a’? ‘ej DaSov’a’?

Ugh. Not jaw'oy. Where English has dear, Klingon should just have nothing.

We have different words for the noun wind and what it does, blow. I'm not sure Klingons would say things like SuS SuS the wind blows, because it's just saying the same word over again. I suspect they'd say something like SuS 'e' DaQoylaH'a' Can you hear it blow? meaning, sort of, Can you hear that it is windy? This is just my guess.

tlhuptaHbogh SuSDaq letlhlIj ‘oH[taH].

‘ej HemajDaq malengtaHvIS.

QIbmaj woch law’ qa’maj woch puS.

pa’ yIt jaw’e’ wISovchu’bogh.

tamghay chIS chu’ ‘ej ‘aghchu’ neH.

tamghay chIS chu' she activates white light. I don't think chu' is the verb you want. Does she perhaps wew? Or maybe she is wov?

qol’om mojmeH Hoch Ho’DoS ‘agh.

I don't think you've got the right balance of purpose and independent clauses. I'd say qol'om mojtaH Hoch 'e' 'agh She reveals that everything is still becoming gold.

I wonder, though, whether Klingons would understand that as a metaphor for their visual appearance, rather than describing an actual change in composition.

‘ej bI’Ijchu’chugh vaj DaQoy.

bom’a’ Dagho-ovchoHlaHchu’.

wa’ mojDI’ Hoch, Hoch mojDI’ wa-a’

nagh’a’ Damoj ‘ach not bIron.

toH. HIja’.

‘ej QI’tu-u’ ghoSbogh le-e-etlh je’law’taH.

Overall, a good translation. I'd prefer to see it written as prose rather than in verse that fails to preserve the rhymes or stress, or else more effort made to make these elements work. There are far too many syllable-fillers. But the translation itself is quite understandable; there are no obvious spots where understanding becomes difficult because of a too-close translation.

-- 
SuStel
http://trimboli.name