en

The strength to survive must come from within. Others will always fail you. Friends, family, fellow soldiers.. In the end each person must stand alone. When in need look to the self.

tlh

tIq 'oHnIS taHmeH HoS mung'e'. reH nIbelHa'moH latlh.

In the English, others is clearly not referring to the strength or the place within, so it obviously refers to other people. In your Klingon, on the other hand, it's not at all clear that latlh isn't referring to another heart or another origin.

nIbe'HalmoH also seems a poor substitute for fail you. Maybe reH luj DuboQbogh nuv people who assist you will always fail. Or maybe he's saying the strength of others will always fail you: reH SoHvaD luj latlh HoS the strength of others will always fail for you.

juppu', qorDu', latlh negh.. tagha' nIteb SIQnIS nuv.

I'd go with tagha' nIteb SIQnIS Hoch nuv In the end, each person must endure alone or tagha' nIteb SIQnIS nuv tlhIn In the end, an individual person must endure alone.

bItaHnIStaHvIS, yIbuS'eghtaH.

You've changed a when to a while for no reason I can see.

Just as the original ties the first sentence with the last, talking about what's within, you should do the same in Klingon. boQ DapoQDI', tIqlIj yIbuS When you require assistance, focus on your heart (the place you said was the origin of the strength to endure).

-- 
SuStel
http://trimboli.name