ghunchu'wI'> When you translate the “impersonal you”> literally, Klingon grammar makes it seem> that you are accusing the reader of doing> something.
Is this based on Ca'Non, or is it just your personal interpretation/perception ?
Because, I don't feel it functioning the way you suggest it does.
There is evidence of using the second person as a sort of impersonal in Klingon. For example, pIpyuS pach DaSop DaneHchugh pIpyuS puS DaghornIS If you want to eat pipius claw, you'll have to break a few pipiuses. (TKW) While this COULD be justified by saying "Nonono, I'm specifically telling you, my listener, that YOU need to break a few pipiuses," I'm feel confident that this isn't what was intended. It's a proverb, meant impersonally. We're even given the more person version, which is phrased as an imperative.
However, I agree with ghunchu'wI' that you're overdoing it. You're not just using the occasional second-person reference in a way that would let the reader personalize it to themselves. You're strongly calling out SoH as the main viewpoint of the piece, telling them what they're doing and thinking.
If your text isn't meant to be directed to a specific SoH
(even if that SoH is the reader of the text), but is
instead about a general state of things, you should express it
that way in the Klingon. Indefinite subject helps a lot, though
don't overdo that either. You can just leave out all the
second-person references. You can talk about nuv a
person or vay' someone instead of SoH
you.
For example, you don't need to say ghe''or jaH yInlIj Hoch Your whole life goes to Gre'thor when you can say ghe''or jaH yIn Life goes to Gre'thor. (I'm not sure I would translate that idiom literally, by the way.)
On a completely different subject, and I hope you don't mind the
criticism, it would help readability if you grouped your sentences
in thematically related paragraphs. Come up with a topic sentence
for a paragraph, then expand with supporting sentences. When you
want to describe a new topic, begin a new paragraph.
-- SuStel http://trimboli.name