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<div class="moz-cite-prefix">On 10/30/2021 3:45 PM, Will Martin
wrote:<br>
</div>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
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<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height:
normal;" class=""><font class="" size="2" face="HelveticaNeue">My
attempts to track down the tune have been thwarted by an
apparent ban on the melody at all leSpal ngevmeH malja’
qachmey.</font></div>
</blockquote>
<p>ONLY my having watched <i>Wayne's World</i> many years ago has
let me understand what you're trying to do here.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; line-height:
normal;" class=""><font class="" size="2" face="HelveticaNeue">Anyway,
for what it’s worth, here’s what I found:</font></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 20px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class=""><b class=""><br class="">
</b></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 20px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class=""><b class="">‘ej muSIvmoHbejtaH</b></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";
min-height: 15px;" class=""><br class="">
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">qol’om ‘oH gho-onbo-ogh Hoch’e’ ‘e’ Harchu’ ja-aw </div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">ghaHbogh be’’e’ ‘ej QI’tu’ letlh je-e’taH.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Hm. Melisma AND enjambment in an effort to get the meter to work.
I think when you see this, you need to compromise on either meter
or meaning to get an aesthetically pleasing song translation.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">pawDI’ jaw’vam ngaQchu-u’-chugh ma-alja’ qa-ach, <br>
</div>
</blockquote>
<p>I think you meant <b>jawvam.</b><br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">ngoQDaj’a’ SuqlaHbe-ej ‘e’ So-ovbej.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>I think you meant <b>ngoQ'a'Daj. </b>Does it really deserve to
be a <b>ngoQ'a'?</b> I'd translate that as something like <i>ultimate
objective.</i> I guess you're filling in extra syllables.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’, ‘u’, ‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Unless you're trying to invoke the word meaning <i>universe,</i>
maybe translate your <i>oo</i>'s with <b>'u.</b><br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">‘ej QI’tu’ ghoSbogh le-etlh je’law’taH.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Only <b>-law'?</b> You're filling syllables again.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">reDDaq vepHey tu-u’lu’, ‘ach vo-oqchu’ ne-eH</div>
</blockquote>
<p><b>-Hey</b> appears to be another syllable-filler. I won't
mention these anymore. Did you mean <b>woq</b> instead of <b>voq?</b><br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">rut cha’ qech chuplaHmo-o’ wa’ mu-u’.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">bIQtIqHom retlhDaq SorDaq bomtaH qa-anra-aD.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">rut Hoch buSHachmaj no-obHa’lu-u’. [This last verb was
apparently mistranslated into English.]</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">bISov.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";
min-height: 15px;" class=""><br class="">
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">tIng ’ev vIghantaHDI-I’ jItIwchoH net ghu-ur</div>
</blockquote>
<p>I believe the subject of <b>ghur</b> is the thing that
increases; you can't say <b>net ghur.</b> Also, I don't get the
impression that the singer is taking a quick glance into the west,
but it looking long at it. <b>ghan</b> may not be the right verb
here.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">‘ej jItlheD neHmo’ qa’wIj nongchoHbej.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>I get the impression of <b>-taH</b> more than <b>-choH </b>from
the original.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">Sormey Hay tlhIch rutlhme-ey vIlegh ‘e’ vI-Ija-al</div>
</blockquote>
<p>I might have said <b>tlhIch ghomey,</b> but it's your metaphor.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">bejbogh nu-uvpu’ QI-Ichmey je-e.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">qajal.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";
min-height: 15px;" class=""><br class="">
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">tlhuplu’. <<tugh bom wIwIvchugh mameqmeH
nu-uDe-ev </div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">Dov’agh. taHwI’pu’vaD choH jaj chu-u’</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Why <b>choH</b> instead of <b>tagh?</b><br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">‘ej Haghqu’ta-aHmo-o’ nuvlaw’pu-u-u’ la-aw’ <br>
</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Is that first <b>law'</b> supposed to be there?<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">nge-em’a’ Hoch lute-ebchu’ ya-a’rIS>></div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">Haghlu’ghach Daqaw’a’?</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Ew. No. <b>Haghlu' 'e' Daqaw'a'?</b> I know why you did it, but
I don't care. Klingon poets do it for poetic reasons; you're doing
it just to do it.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">toH, HIja’, HISlaH, lu’.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Clever. Poetically kind of ridiculous, but still clever.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">‘ej muSIvmoHbejtaH.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">tIlIjDaq chuSlu’chugh, yIjot. yIghumbe’lu-u’.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>You might use <b>lav</b> instead of <b>tI.</b> And we've
discussed <b>ghum</b> elsewhere.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">maqtagh ta’vaD Say’moHlu’ neH.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">cha’vo’ wa’ He DawIvnISbej ‘e’ So-ov Ho-och.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">HelIj DachoHmeH ratlh poH yap.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>I see you're beginning to compromise on exact translation to
avoid translating idioms.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">tlhon’a’meyvo’ Huyqu’lu’ta-aH ‘ej mevlu’Qo-o’.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>You know the example in TKD isn't meant to suggest that Klingon
poets are obsessed with nostrils, right?<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class=""><<HImuv!>> jatlh Dov’agh chu’wI’’a’.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">jaw’oy, SuSbogh SuS DaQoylaH’a’? ‘ej DaSov’a’?</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Ugh. Not <b>jaw'oy.</b> Where English has <i>dear,</i> Klingon
should just have nothing.</p>
<p>We have different words for the noun <i>wind</i> and what it
does, <i>blow.</i> I'm not sure Klingons would say things like <b>SuS
SuS</b> <i>the wind blows,</i> because it's just saying the
same word over again. I suspect they'd say something like <b>SuS
'e' DaQoylaH'a'</b><i> Can you hear it blow?</i> meaning, sort
of, <i>Can you hear that it is windy? </i>This is just my guess.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">tlhuptaHbogh SuSDaq letlhlIj ‘oH[taH].</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";
min-height: 15px;" class=""><br class="">
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">‘ej HemajDaq malengtaHvIS.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">QIbmaj woch law’ qa’maj woch puS.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">pa’ yIt jaw’e’ wISovchu’bogh.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">tamghay chIS chu’ ‘ej ‘aghchu’ neH.</div>
</blockquote>
<p><b>tamghay chIS chu'</b><i> she activates white light.</i> I
don't think <b>chu'</b> is the verb you want. Does she perhaps <b>wew?</b>
Or maybe she is <b>wov?</b><br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">qol’om mojmeH Hoch Ho’DoS ‘agh.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>I don't think you've got the right balance of purpose and
independent clauses. I'd say <b>qol'om mojtaH Hoch 'e' 'agh</b><i>
She reveals that everything is still becoming gold.</i></p>
<p>I wonder, though, whether Klingons would understand that as a
metaphor for their visual appearance, rather than describing an
actual change in composition.<br>
</p>
<p><br>
</p>
<blockquote type="cite"
cite="mid:79B37F58-4B76-47D7-AD59-4F743B0B645C@mac.com">
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">‘ej bI’Ijchu’chugh vaj DaQoy.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">bom’a’ Dagho-ovchoHlaHchu’.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">wa’ mojDI’ Hoch, Hoch mojDI’ wa-a’</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">nagh’a’ Damoj ‘ach not bIron.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">toH. HIja’.</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";
min-height: 15px;" class=""><br class="">
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 13px;
line-height: normal; font-family: "Helvetica Neue";"
class="">‘ej QI’tu-u’ ghoSbogh le-e-etlh je’law’taH.</div>
</blockquote>
<p>Overall, a good translation. I'd prefer to see it written as
prose rather than in verse that fails to preserve the rhymes or
stress, or else more effort made to make these elements work.
There are far too many syllable-fillers. But the translation
itself is quite understandable; there are no obvious spots where
understanding becomes difficult because of a too-close
translation.<br>
</p>
<pre class="moz-signature" cols="72">--
SuStel
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