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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">ghunchu'wI' has already addressed some aspects of this, so I'll try not to double up too much.<br>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">ghItlhpu' Daniel, jatlh:</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> While reconstructing the original Klingon lyrics to “You are my sunshine”, I wanted</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> to express “some nights ago” as a time stamp.</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">Before addressing your recast, as ghunchu'wI' pointed out, the paq'batlh gives {'opleS} as a term for "someday [in the future]" (paq'yav 2.8, 2.11-12). As such, {'opHu'} "some day in the past" should work, and to specify
"some night in the past", {'opHu' ram}.<br>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">jatlhtaH:<br>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> What I came up with was “Hu' puS ram”. Does that make any sense?</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">For my part, I think {Hu' puS ram} works perfectly well for "a few nights ago"; it carries an implication of recency that {'opHu' ram} doesn't, but whether that's a problem or not is entirely up to you.</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">taH:<br>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> julwIj wov SoHbej, latlh jul vIghajbe'.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> 'eng law' ghajDI' chal, choQuchqa'moH.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> bangwI' SoHbej, 'ach chaq not bISovlaH.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> julwIj wov yItlhapQo' 'e' vItlhob!</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">My only critique on the refrain would be on the last line; I don't think an imperative can be the complement of an {'e'} construction like this. Safer would be
<span>{julwIj wov DatlhapQo' 'e' vItlhob}. But otherwise, majQa'!</span></p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0"><span>taH:<br>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0"><span>> </span>Hu' puS ram bangwI', jIQongtaHvIS jIH,</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> DeSDu'wIjDaq qa'uch 'e' vInaj.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> 'ach ghIq jIvemDI', jIQaghlaw'pu' jIH.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> nach vI'eSmoH 'ej jISaQchoH.</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">Purely stylistically, a comma between {Hu' puS ram} and {bangwI'} in the first line would help to clarify that the two aren't intended to be read as part of the same clause: {Hu' puS ram, bangwI'} "a few nights ago, my
love". Elsewise, majQa'.</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">taH:</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> reH qamuSHa' 'ej reH qaQuchqu'moH.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> jIHvaD 'e' Dajatlh je vIneHqu'.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> 'a jIH cholonchugh, 'ej latlh Danejchugh,</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> 'opleS 'e' Dapay 'e' vIHarchu'.</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">While {nej} "look for" works okay here, for your meaning of "if you find another", {Sam} "find, locate" is better. Elsewise, this is all good too. I was wondering about the possibility of using {'e'} to refer back to
a previous {-chugh} clause, but the paq'batlh also furnishes us an example of that: {pop Hevchugh quvwI' 'ej 'e' DaqaSmoHchugh} (paq'raD 16.26-27).</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">taH:<br>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> chomuSHa'qu' 'e' wa'logh Daja'pu',</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> not nuchev vay' 'e' Daja'pu' je.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> 'ach DaH cholonpu', latlh DamuSHa'qu',</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> vaj Hoch vItulbogh Daghorpu'.</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">According to TKD, {'e'} as an object should come after {wa'logh} as an adverbial. The sole canon counterexample, as ghunchu'wI' points out, is problematic in other ways, though I suppose it at least allows an argument
based on poetic licence.</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">taH:<br>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> reH jInajtaHvIS, cholonqa'law' SoH.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> jIvemDI' 'oy'qu' tIqwIj Do'Ha'.</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> naDev DacheghDI', choQuchqa'moHDI',</p>
<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">> Hoch jIqeHHa', 'ej chopIchlaHba'!</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">According to the rule of {rom}, here {jIqeHHa'} should be {vIqeHHa'} to agree with the object {Hoch}. I've noticed this in a couple of your subsequent translations too - be sure you keep your eye not only on subject-agreement,
but also on object-agreement.</p>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">Overall, though, majQa'. I'm impressed. Have you considered having a poke at a rhyming translation?<br>
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<p style="margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0">QeS 'utlh<br>
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