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<div class="moz-cite-prefix">On 1/10/2017 5:16 PM, Brian Cote wrote:<br>
</div>
<blockquote
cite="mid:CAHgxQO0Bd2hx1kGVJG9=rAcNGseQtDqshW4fMkB9aSSSwsS=uA@mail.gmail.com"
type="cite">
<div>ghaHvaD bIQDaq 'oHbe'bogh Qu' chuplu'chugh ghaH,</div>
<div>ropmoH qechvam. Qun tlhuHDaj nISchoHlu'. 'ej pujchoHmoH </div>
<div>porghDaj Hosghaj. </div>
<div>>And when a job away from the water was offered to him </div>
<div>he would get sick at the very prospect, his divine breathing
</div>
<div>would become troubled and his brazen chest began to tremble.</div>
<div>>Und bot man ihm eine Stellung außerhalb des Wassers an, </div>
<div>wurde ihm schon von der Vorstellung übel, sein göttlicher
Atem </div>
<div>geriet in Unordnung, sein eherner Brustkorb schwankte. <br>
</div>
</blockquote>
<br>
<p>I see you got rid<b> </b>of the erroneous final <b>ghaH</b> of
the first sentence in your correction.<br>
</p>
<p>You dropped the <b>-'e'</b>on <b>Qu'. </b>Also, when using a
pronoun-as-verb to talk about being in a place, Okrand has always
used <b>-taH</b> on the pronoun: <b>ghaHvaD bIQDaq 'oHbe'taHbogh
Qu''e' chuplu'chugh</b><i> if a job which is not at the water
were is to him.</i></p>
<p>We have so many words for anatomy, it's strange we don't have a
word for <i>chest.</i> Consider <b>ro</b><i> trunk (of body). </i>I
wonder if a <b>ro</b> can <b>Qom;</b> that might be better than
just saying it weakens him.<br>
</p>
<br>
<blockquote
cite="mid:CAHgxQO0Bd2hx1kGVJG9=rAcNGseQtDqshW4fMkB9aSSSwsS=uA@mail.gmail.com"
type="cite">
<div>beplaw' 'ach ghaH Harbej pagh: QeHDI' HoSghajqu'wI', </div>
<div>yonmoHlu'meH, ghaHvaD Qapla'qoqmey qItHa' chavnISlaw'lu'. </div>
<div>Qu'Daj choHbej poSayDon 'e' qel pagh. wa'DIchna' bIQmey
Qun'a' </div>
<div>mojmoHlu', 'ej vaj retlhtaHnIS. </div>
<div>>Besides, his complaints were not really taken seriously;
when one </div>
<div>of the mighty is vexatious the appearance of an effort must
be made </div>
<div>to placate him, even when the case is most hopeless. In
actuality </div>
<div>a shift of posts was unthinkable for Poseidon — he had been
appointed </div>
<div>God of the Sea in the beginning, and that he had to remain.</div>
<div>>Übrigens nahm man seine Beschwerden nicht eigentlich
ernst; </div>
<div>wenn ein Mächtiger quält, muß man ihm auch in der
aussichtslosesten</div>
<div> Angelegenheit scheinbar nachzugeben versuchen; an eine
wirkliche </div>
<div>Enthebung Poseidons von seinem Amte dachte niemand, seit
Urbeginn </div>
<div>war er zum Gott der Meere bestimmt worden und dabei mußte es
bleiben.</div>
</blockquote>
<br>
<p>Why does he only apparently complain? I don't think you want <b>-law'</b>
on the first sentence.</p>
<p>I don't really see <b>Qapla'qoqmey qItHa'</b> as approaching <i>the
appearance of an effort.</i> This sentence seems to lose a lot
of meaning. Try recasting it.</p>
<p>If you're using <b>-law'</b> to try to get across the
"appearance" part, note that <b>-law'</b> tells of certainty of
the speaker, not characters in the story.<br>
</p>
<p>I have some trouble believing <b>wa'DIchna'</b> is a good way to
say <i>in the beginning.</i> How about <b>qa'vam</b> <i>Genesis,
the Big Bang, the origin of everything, the start of it all</i>?
Use it just as it is as a time stamp.<br>
</p>
<p><b>mojmoHlu'</b> needs to be <b>lumojmoHlu'.</b> But consider
using the word <b>gheS</b> <i>assume duties of</i> instead! Also
consider using the perfective here.<br>
</p>
<p>You got your suffixes in the wrong order in the last word.</p>
<pre class="moz-signature" cols="72">--
SuStel
<a class="moz-txt-link-freetext" href="http://trimboli.name">http://trimboli.name</a></pre>
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