[tlhIngan Hol] bom tIQ vItu'

[SuStel]

On 10/30/2021 3:45 PM, Will Martin wrote:
> My attempts to track down the tune have been thwarted by an apparent 
> ban on the melody at all leSpal ngevmeH malja’ qachmey.

ONLY my having watched /Wayne's World/ many years ago has let me 
understand what you're trying to do here.


> Anyway, for what it’s worth, here’s what I found:
> *
> *
> *‘ej muSIvmoHbejtaH*
>
> qol’om ‘oH gho-onbo-ogh Hoch’e’ ‘e’ Harchu’ ja-aw
> ghaHbogh be’’e’ ‘ej QI’tu’ letlh je-e’taH.

Hm. Melisma AND enjambment in an effort to get the meter to work. I 
think when you see this, you need to compromise on either meter or 
meaning to get an aesthetically pleasing song translation.


> pawDI’ jaw’vam ngaQchu-u’-chugh ma-alja’ qa-ach,

I think you meant *jawvam.*


> ngoQDaj’a’ SuqlaHbe-ej ‘e’ So-ovbej.

I think you meant *ngoQ'a'Daj. *Does it really deserve to be a 
*ngoQ'a'?* I'd translate that as something like /ultimate objective./ I 
guess you're filling in extra syllables.


> ‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’, ‘u’, ‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’ ‘u’

Unless you're trying to invoke the word meaning /universe,/ maybe 
translate your /oo/'s with *'u.*


> ‘ej QI’tu’ ghoSbogh le-etlh je’law’taH.

Only *-law'?* You're filling syllables again.


> reDDaq vepHey tu-u’lu’, ‘ach vo-oqchu’ ne-eH

*-Hey* appears to be another syllable-filler. I won't mention these 
anymore. Did you mean *woq* instead of *voq?*


> rut cha’ qech chuplaHmo-o’ wa’ mu-u’.
> bIQtIqHom retlhDaq SorDaq bomtaH qa-anra-aD.
> rut Hoch buSHachmaj no-obHa’lu-u’. [This last verb was apparently 
> mistranslated into English.]
> bISov.
>
> tIng ’ev vIghantaHDI-I’ jItIwchoH net ghu-ur

I believe the subject of *ghur* is the thing that increases; you can't 
say *net ghur.* Also, I don't get the impression that the singer is 
taking a quick glance into the west, but it looking long at it. *ghan* 
may not be the right verb here.


> ‘ej jItlheD neHmo’ qa’wIj nongchoHbej.

I get the impression of *-taH* more than *-choH *from the original.


> Sormey Hay tlhIch rutlhme-ey vIlegh ‘e’ vI-Ija-al

I might have said *tlhIch ghomey,* but it's your metaphor.


> bejbogh nu-uvpu’ QI-Ichmey je-e.
> qajal.
>
> tlhuplu’. <<tugh bom wIwIvchugh mameqmeH nu-uDe-ev
> Dov’agh. taHwI’pu’vaD choH jaj chu-u’

Why *choH* instead of *tagh?*


> ‘ej Haghqu’ta-aHmo-o’ nuvlaw’pu-u-u’ la-aw’

Is that first *law'* supposed to be there?


> nge-em’a’ Hoch lute-ebchu’ ya-a’rIS>>
> Haghlu’ghach Daqaw’a’?

Ew. No. *Haghlu' 'e' Daqaw'a'?* I know why you did it, but I don't care. 
Klingon poets do it for poetic reasons; you're doing it just to do it.


> toH, HIja’, HISlaH, lu’.

Clever. Poetically kind of ridiculous, but still clever.


> ‘ej muSIvmoHbejtaH.
> tIlIjDaq chuSlu’chugh, yIjot. yIghumbe’lu-u’.

You might use *lav* instead of *tI.* And we've discussed *ghum* elsewhere.


> maqtagh ta’vaD Say’moHlu’ neH.
> cha’vo’ wa’ He DawIvnISbej ‘e’ So-ov Ho-och.
> HelIj DachoHmeH ratlh poH yap.

I see you're beginning to compromise on exact translation to avoid 
translating idioms.


> tlhon’a’meyvo’ Huyqu’lu’ta-aH ‘ej mevlu’Qo-o’.

You know the example in TKD isn't meant to suggest that Klingon poets 
are obsessed with nostrils, right?


> <<HImuv!>> jatlh Dov’agh chu’wI’’a’.
> jaw’oy, SuSbogh SuS DaQoylaH’a’? ‘ej DaSov’a’?

Ugh. Not *jaw'oy.* Where English has /dear,/ Klingon should just have 
nothing.

We have different words for the noun /wind/ and what it does, /blow./ 
I'm not sure Klingons would say things like *SuS SuS* /the wind blows,/ 
because it's just saying the same word over again. I suspect they'd say 
something like *SuS 'e' DaQoylaH'a'*/Can you hear it blow?/ meaning, 
sort of, /Can you hear that it is windy? /This is just my guess.


> tlhuptaHbogh SuSDaq letlhlIj ‘oH[taH].
>
> ‘ej HemajDaq malengtaHvIS.
> QIbmaj woch law’ qa’maj woch puS.
> pa’ yIt jaw’e’ wISovchu’bogh.
> tamghay chIS chu’ ‘ej ‘aghchu’ neH.

*tamghay chIS chu'*/she activates white light./ I don't think *chu'* is 
the verb you want. Does she perhaps *wew?* Or maybe she is *wov?*


> qol’om mojmeH Hoch Ho’DoS ‘agh.

I don't think you've got the right balance of purpose and independent 
clauses. I'd say *qol'om mojtaH Hoch 'e' 'agh*/She reveals that 
everything is still becoming gold./

I wonder, though, whether Klingons would understand that as a metaphor 
for their visual appearance, rather than describing an actual change in 
composition.


> ‘ej bI’Ijchu’chugh vaj DaQoy.
> bom’a’ Dagho-ovchoHlaHchu’.
> wa’ mojDI’ Hoch, Hoch mojDI’ wa-a’
> nagh’a’ Damoj ‘ach not bIron.
> toH. HIja’.
>
> ‘ej QI’tu-u’ ghoSbogh le-e-etlh je’law’taH.

Overall, a good translation. I'd prefer to see it written as prose 
rather than in verse that fails to preserve the rhymes or stress, or 
else more effort made to make these elements work. There are far too 
many syllable-fillers. But the translation itself is quite 
understandable; there are no obvious spots where understanding becomes 
difficult because of a too-close translation.

-- 
SuStel
http://trimboli.name
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