[tlhIngan Hol] subject of the -bogh clause of a sao being the subject of another verb

[mayqel qunen'oS]

This is rather twisted, but it came to me and I can't not ask.

Qap yuQDaj 'e' tul nuv
a person hopes that his planet wins

Qap yuQDaj 'e' tulbogh nuv luHoH romuluSngan
the romulans kill the person who hopes that his planet wins

And here it comes..

Qap yuQDaj; Dun 'e' tulbogh nuv
his planet wins; the person who hopes that is great

(I placed the semicolon just to show how I understand the sentence)

Is there anything wrong with writing something like this ? I can't
think of any grammar rule(s) being broken.

~ Qa'yIn