[tlhIngan Hol] <<poSayDon>> vImughlI'

[SuStel]

On 1/10/2017 5:16 PM, Brian Cote wrote:
> ghaHvaD bIQDaq 'oHbe'bogh Qu' chuplu'chugh ghaH,
> ropmoH qechvam. Qun tlhuHDaj nISchoHlu'. 'ej pujchoHmoH
> porghDaj Hosghaj.
> >And when a job away from the water was offered to him
> he would get sick at the very prospect, his divine breathing
> would become troubled and his brazen chest began to tremble.
> >Und bot man ihm eine Stellung außerhalb des Wassers an,
> wurde ihm schon von der Vorstellung übel, sein göttlicher Atem
> geriet in Unordnung, sein eherner Brustkorb schwankte.

I see you got rid**of the erroneous final *ghaH* of the first sentence 
in your correction.

You dropped the *-'e'*on *Qu'. *Also, when using a pronoun-as-verb to 
talk about being in a place, Okrand has always used *-taH* on the 
pronoun: *ghaHvaD bIQDaq 'oHbe'taHbogh Qu''e' chuplu'chugh*/if a job 
which is not at the water were is to him./

We have so many words for anatomy, it's strange we don't have a word for 
/chest./ Consider *ro*/trunk (of body). /I wonder if a *ro* can *Qom;* 
that might be better than just saying it weakens him.


> beplaw' 'ach ghaH Harbej pagh: QeHDI' HoSghajqu'wI',
> yonmoHlu'meH, ghaHvaD Qapla'qoqmey qItHa' chavnISlaw'lu'.
> Qu'Daj choHbej poSayDon 'e' qel pagh. wa'DIchna' bIQmey Qun'a'
> mojmoHlu', 'ej vaj retlhtaHnIS.
> >Besides, his complaints were not really taken seriously; when one
> of the mighty is vexatious the appearance of an effort must be made
> to placate him, even when the case is most hopeless. In actuality
> a shift of posts was unthinkable for Poseidon — he had been appointed
> God of the Sea in the beginning, and that he had to remain.
> >Übrigens nahm man seine Beschwerden nicht eigentlich ernst;
> wenn ein Mächtiger quält, muß man ihm auch in der aussichtslosesten
> Angelegenheit scheinbar nachzugeben versuchen; an eine wirkliche
> Enthebung Poseidons von seinem Amte dachte niemand, seit Urbeginn
> war er zum Gott der Meere bestimmt worden und dabei mußte es bleiben.

Why does he only apparently complain? I don't think you want *-law'* on 
the first sentence.

I don't really see *Qapla'qoqmey qItHa'* as approaching /the appearance 
of an effort./ This sentence seems to lose a lot of meaning. Try 
recasting it.

If you're using *-law'* to try to get across the "appearance" part, note 
that *-law'* tells of certainty of the speaker, not characters in the story.

I have some trouble believing *wa'DIchna'* is a good way to say /in the 
beginning./ How about *qa'vam* /Genesis, the Big Bang, the origin of 
everything, the start of it all/? Use it just as it is as a time stamp.

*mojmoHlu'* needs to be *lumojmoHlu'.* But consider using the word 
*gheS* /assume duties of/ instead! Also consider using the perfective here.

You got your suffixes in the wrong order in the last word.

-- 
SuStel
http://trimboli.name

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