[tlhIngan Hol] We got words for a Spiral, now what to do with them...

[mayqel qunenoS]

mupwI':
> mubechmoH ghaH. mubechmoH ghaH 'ej ghaH vIghaj.

Too much {ghaH} for my taste. I'm not saying it is wrong, but is
unpleasant for the reader to be reading the same word over and over.
The second {ghaH} is definitely unnecessary, and I think that the
third could be omitted too.

> ghaH vIjeghpa'

"Before I surrender him" ? If you wanted to say "before I surrender to
him", I don't think {ghaH vIjeghpa'} is correct. You could just write
{jIjeghpa'} for "before I surrender".

> *nIbya'*

What is *nIbya'* ? Don't transliterate. As obvious as a
transliteration can be for the one writing it, so un-obvious and
confusing it can be for the reader. I still remember someone writting
*'Ivrit* Hol, as if "Hebrew language" wasn't good enough. And I still
remember wanting to smash my computer against the wall, trying to
understand what he was talking about.

> *nIbya'* maSmey retlhDaq 'ej *'anta'reS* vertaHbogh
> vIHtaHghach'a' retlhDaq 'ej ghe''or qulmey retlhDaq vItlha'!

"Next to the moons of *nIbya'* (whatever that is), and next to the
great continuous spiralling movement of antares (same comments with
regards to the transliteration), and next to the fires of hell I will
chase him".

I'm not sure about this, but I don't know whether the two {'ej} can be
used the way you used them; the {'ej} joins sentences. I don't know
whether the {*nIbya'* maSmey retlhDaq} and the {*'anta'reS* vertaHbogh
vIHtaHghach'a' retlhDaq} can be regarded as full sentences which can
be joined by the {'ej}. However, since I'm not sure about this, it
would be nice if someone could shed some light on the matter.

You could however, omit these two {'ej} in question, by just using the
appropriate punctuation..

{*nIbya'* maSmey retlhDaq, *'anta'reS* vertaHbogh vIHtaHghach'a'
retlhDaq, ghe''or qulmey retlhDaq vItlha'!}

Finally I don't understand why, whoever does the chasing, chases
whoever he chases "next to" the areas/locations mentioned in the text.
Why doesn't he chase him "to" these areas ? Or maybe even "beyond"
them ?

qunnoq

On Wed, Aug 9, 2017 at 12:40 AM, Jeremy Silver <jp.silver at tiscali.co.uk> wrote:
> This reminds me... now we have words to describe a spiral there's a couple of
> quote translations I've been trying that have now become more possible. Let's
> see if you can identify them.
>
>
> mubechmoH ghaH. mubechmoH ghaH 'ej ghaH vIghaj.
> ghaH vIjeghpa' *nIbya'* maSmey retlhDaq 'ej *'anta'reS* vertaHbogh
> vIHtaHghach'a' retlhDaq 'ej ghe''or qulmey retlhDaq vItlha'!
>
>
>
> This one's from a challenge from a few months ago. It's still in a too-close-
> to-the original-English form but like this it should be easier to identify:
>
> qIb 'ev tIng mI'rab DeS qa'rI' QatHa'Daq pu'jIn Hutlhbogh 'ej Hopqu'bogh mIch
> HachHa'Daq machbogh jul SuD 'ej wov'e' qImHa'lu'pu'bogh tu'lu'.
> julvamvo' SochmaH Hut'uy' qelI'qam, bavtaH ramchu'bogh 'ej machbogh yuQ SuD.
> ngem yoqmey lutlh bIH yuQvam nganpu' no''e'.
> lutlhchu'mo' nganpu'vam 'ej qech QaQqu' bIH mI'mey 'aghbogh 'ej yebDaq
> tlhaqmey'e' tuQlu'bogh 'e' luQubmo', maDuqqu'.
>
> So the plan is to make it easier to deal with and more Klingon by tying to
> figure out how to split it into shorter, hopefully more verb-based sentences.
> Would there be any preferred re-castings I should consider?
>
> Thanks for any opinions or pointers for improvement,
> mupwI'
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